Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
