just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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