My sheets look like a crime scene.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
