I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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