Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
