He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
