I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
