also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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