guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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