When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Less talking, more tequila
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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