that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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