i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
