I think I am morally bankrupt
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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