I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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