discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
did i just pee glitter
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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