She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
