Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
