WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
