Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
