My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
