I wish my penis had an off switch
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
