my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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