I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
operation harelip BJ is a go
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
