My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
