i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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