I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I die, sorry about rent.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
