Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish you could order shots online.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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