True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
