____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
