Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
