she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
