This is not my ceiling
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
