i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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