you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
