I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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