but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
