My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
is that a dick in a sweater?
My vagina is very pro this idea
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