I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
love makes seman taste better
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
