My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
