So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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