Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
