There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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