I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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