I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
