Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
