Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
