the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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