Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
