This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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