I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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