I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
