dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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