it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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